Update on Life

So lately I have been preoccupied with the concept of "growing up". Half of me wants to just ignore money and bills and the future worries and responsibility and things like insurance and W2 forms and politics and relationships... and just chill for another year. I've always been a worrier, but lately it has gotten a bit extreme. I think a lot about the future, how young and unprepared I am, and how quickly the two are colliding. Scary scary scary.

I'm a senior IN COLLEGE now, and that freaks me out. Even living in an apartment and getting grown up things like off brand windex and real food. That scares me. I'm not ready for this. Lately I have been realizing how much work my parents put into this house I am currently sitting in. How much money goes into getting a residence up and running and even more in keeping that way. Life is so freaking expensive, and I have been incredibly blessed in the fact that I've never really had to think much about money. Granted, if I needed it, I could turn to my parents now, and everything would be taken care of. I just want to see if I can do this, you know? Trial run of being an adult. And I'm not even paying for everything, there are things that I don't even think about that they are paying for. Thank the Lord for parents.

Probably I have too much time to think these days, which makes me think stressful thoughts. When a cartoon character gets hit on the head with something, they get little birdies fluttering around their heads. I get little worries fluttering around my head during down time. Things I'm not doing right at work, when I need to work next, worrying about if my shifts will get covered when I need them to, hoping they will but the dates are creeping up and no one has signed up, when bills need to be paid, need to talk to the other roomie about paying me for electric bill and internet bill, how to talk to her about that, what to eat, how I look, how messy my room is, that bathroom really needs to get cleaned, so does the kitchen, family in town on the 18th, they can't see that mess, hanging out with people, BOYS, my online class that my teacher is being really difficult and he has no idea what to do about this online deal because he is old, need to figure out online stuff for next month can't keep paying the previous girl on the account, maybe cox will cut me a deal as a new account, maybe I should cancel my netflix account I don't really use it that much anymore maybe cut back to 1 DVD at a time...

I deal with this by trying to plan for everything. Looking ahead, pessimistically planning for the worst as well as the best. Thinking of alternative courses of action in case something doesn't work. Keeping a first aid kit in my purse at all times. Because I just know that the time I don't have it, I'll need it.



Anyways, this post makes me sound like a crazy person. Welcome to the insanity.