Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

So, every time I come home, I end up talking with mom about all these theories she has about politics and the economy, based upon the wackiness in Washington. Yeah, it's a bit scary, because life-as-we-know-it is pretty darn good. If life could continue that way, awesome.

But there is this small part of me, the part that is just AMPED for the apocalypse, that would love to see the world just get turned upside down. I just want to see if I could survive in a dictatorship, if that is in fact where we are headed. I'd love to see how people would handle it. Would there be uprisings? How would morals and social norms change in the face of control?

I think perhaps that the world is just too big, and too small at the same time. Since we are so connected, we all get affected by, and involved in, things that would not have even been a part of our knowledge prior to radio, internet, long distance travel, etc. What if suddenly there was no power what-so-ever. Anywhere on the planet. Think of how life would change. We would have to divide out into little tribes and forage for our survival. Would we make it? I don't know! Chances are millions upon millions would die in the process. Modern medicine would be shot to heck too, so lots of people that live now would not live in a world without power. I don't think that the world-as-we-know-it is the natural state of being in the slightest. Nothing about the way we live is anything like the way life has been in the past. It's a bell curve. Societies rise and fall; up towards order, down towards chaos. Everything tends towards entropy, get on board or get out of the way. Change has always been, and will always be, the way things go. I don't like change, because I can't predict what will happen. But if change is going to happen regardless of my approval, I might as well step up and go with it. Just to see if I can.

Me, a name I call myself

We talked about this in the girl's meeting about 2 weeks ago, the meaning of our names and how that applies to us and who we are. Most cultures put more thought into the meaning behind names, whereas american culture tends to just go with what fits with the last name and sounds cool.

But my name, Alison, apparently means "Noble" or "Of Noble Birth." Lately this has been a concept on my mind a lot, because of a sermon I heard last Sunday. He was talking about how most Christians approach their faith as a list of things we can't do and don't do and won't do and list after list of negative things. The viewpoint that he suggested we adopt was one of holy identity. We are the royal daughters and sons of the RULER OF THE UNIVERSE. This endows us with... an inheritance, a place of belonging, an identity beyond our given earthly status. So our behavior should not be based upon a structure of dos and don'ts, but rather we should look at who we are, and what behavior is befitting of such a royal personage.

I have definitely seen this get out of control, people thinking that this means that they are entitled to act superior and call themselves "GoDs LiTtLe PrInCeSs" or something else mind-bogglingly self-centered. The biggest thing that I draw from this is that the title? It has nothing to do with anything I have done. At all.

Another thing that I draw from the meaning of my name is the concept of responsibility. The phrase "Noblesse Oblige" comes to mind when I think of the word noble. At it's core, that means "With power comes responsibility." I have things at my disposal that others don't, so I should use those accordingly.


...the end. For now.

List of things that are beautiful to my soul

Alternately entitled "List of things that make me smile on the inside"

-singing loudly in the car
-loud music in general (especially concerts when your heartbeat aligns with the bass)
-books/websites that make me chuckle
-most potted plants
-vivid colors
-seeing grass ripple like waves on a windy day
-clean mirrors
-colored glass
-the look on a groom's face as the love of his life walks down the aisle towards him
-dogs
-lamps
-meaningful conversations
-crunchy leaves
-babies of any kind: animal, human, plant
-ticklish people
-staying up late finishing books
-my family
-driving fast at night with the windows open and feeling the cool breeze
-cheap and tacky sunglasses
-dancing like a fool with friends
-planning dorky futures with my friends when we talk about boys
-running into someone I love unexpectedly
-getting texts or facebook messages
-the color of sun shining through leaves
-tacky things
-making a reference to something obscure and having someone else totally get it


Many other things go on this list as well. In fact, lots of things make me happy.

I just felt that after a list of everything that was/is stressing me out, listing something more positive sounded like fun.

Update on Life

So lately I have been preoccupied with the concept of "growing up". Half of me wants to just ignore money and bills and the future worries and responsibility and things like insurance and W2 forms and politics and relationships... and just chill for another year. I've always been a worrier, but lately it has gotten a bit extreme. I think a lot about the future, how young and unprepared I am, and how quickly the two are colliding. Scary scary scary.

I'm a senior IN COLLEGE now, and that freaks me out. Even living in an apartment and getting grown up things like off brand windex and real food. That scares me. I'm not ready for this. Lately I have been realizing how much work my parents put into this house I am currently sitting in. How much money goes into getting a residence up and running and even more in keeping that way. Life is so freaking expensive, and I have been incredibly blessed in the fact that I've never really had to think much about money. Granted, if I needed it, I could turn to my parents now, and everything would be taken care of. I just want to see if I can do this, you know? Trial run of being an adult. And I'm not even paying for everything, there are things that I don't even think about that they are paying for. Thank the Lord for parents.

Probably I have too much time to think these days, which makes me think stressful thoughts. When a cartoon character gets hit on the head with something, they get little birdies fluttering around their heads. I get little worries fluttering around my head during down time. Things I'm not doing right at work, when I need to work next, worrying about if my shifts will get covered when I need them to, hoping they will but the dates are creeping up and no one has signed up, when bills need to be paid, need to talk to the other roomie about paying me for electric bill and internet bill, how to talk to her about that, what to eat, how I look, how messy my room is, that bathroom really needs to get cleaned, so does the kitchen, family in town on the 18th, they can't see that mess, hanging out with people, BOYS, my online class that my teacher is being really difficult and he has no idea what to do about this online deal because he is old, need to figure out online stuff for next month can't keep paying the previous girl on the account, maybe cox will cut me a deal as a new account, maybe I should cancel my netflix account I don't really use it that much anymore maybe cut back to 1 DVD at a time...

I deal with this by trying to plan for everything. Looking ahead, pessimistically planning for the worst as well as the best. Thinking of alternative courses of action in case something doesn't work. Keeping a first aid kit in my purse at all times. Because I just know that the time I don't have it, I'll need it.



Anyways, this post makes me sound like a crazy person. Welcome to the insanity.

A Hearty Dose of Self Congratulation

I, Alison, have a job for this summer! Yay! I was just stressing about that, nothing was working out. I kept thinking "this is just temporary, everything works out in the end", but I didn't really believe it, I figured that I was just going to keep getting shut down by businesses not needing me.

But, I will be working at Radina's Coffee Shop. Awesome!


Also, my photography was nominated, and is now featured on a website.

Double bingo.

A Visit to Truman

So, the weekend before Spring Break, Megan urged me to visit her at Truman sometime. "Well, I think I'm free the weekend of the 4th..." Thus, this past weekend.

Thursday, April 2nd:
-Bailed on Manhattan, headed for KC
-Chilled out with the family

Friday, April 3rd:
-Got up, got packed up, got on the road
-Couldn't get on I-35 N from KC, too much construction
-GPS and I had a little argument, so I headed towards St. Louis, because that's the way I know
-Headed north at Concordia, via Highway 11, very hilly and country-ish
-Got to Kirksville, MO around 4
-Ironing party in Megan's dorm room with her Tae Kwon Do buddies, they needed crisp uniforms for the belt test the next day
-Dinner with the TKD kids in Ryle (her dorm) dining hall
-The cell phone incident (Ryan, one of the TKD kids, left his phone in her room, we locked him out, battle ensued between girls and guys. Girls defending the phone, guys trying to break in to get it.)
-Musical Night, part 1: Chicago and The Mask of Zorro (After watching Chicago, we all needed more Catherine Zeta-Jones)
-Stayed up talking with Megan about boys, finally got to sleep around 5

Saturday, April 4th:
-Got up around 10:30, got ready
-Had lunch in Ryle hall dining area
-Headed off to the Rec for the Belt Test
-Ran into one of my highschool classmates in the Rec, that was interesting, hadn't seen her since graduation or so
-Watched people go through forms (patterns of movements and kicks), and break boards, also got to see people go head to head in sparring, Megan was awesome
-Went on a campus tour with Megan, Truman is so darn cute!
-Short nap
-Dinner in Ryle
-Headed over to Ryan's apartment for Musical night part 2, watched Little Shop of Horrors
-Made a blanket fort
-Watched RENT, and Sound of Music
-We all ended up crashing there for the night around 5 in the morning

Sunday, April 5th:
-Woke up around 10:30
-Went back to Megan's dorm and got all packed up
-Had lunch and then hit the road
-Weather was crappy, roads were hilly
-Got home around 4:30
-Celebrated my little sister's birthday
-Finally headed towards KSU around 8:30

I am exhausted from such a packed weekend, but it was a blast and a half.

Selfish and Self-Centered

I deal with jealousy, I know it, it's not an easy fix. Comparing myself to others, comparing my self to who I would like to be, it's getting old. I'm so tired of not feeling good enough, and to being stressed out and thinking unkind thoughts just because someone else has what I don't.

I am tired of this.

I should be content with who I am, and not worry about what others think of me, or who they might be comparing me to. I'm so damn tired of having the little doubts that label me as lesser, no good, not worth it. I should be flattered when someone mimics something I do, not worry that they'll steal it and make it their own. I guess I have a fear of that, having attention taken from me, because it's all about me Me ME.

Namely, I need to get over myself. This life = Not about me. Not about what I think or what you think of me.



Why can't I convince myself of that?