I don't watch sad movies. Other people like them, because "sometimes you just need to cry." I don't get that at all. Life is sad enough on it's own, I watch movies and read books for the happily ever after. Real life gets so few happily ever afters, because our lives are so fragile. Our tenuous grasp on life, it can be snatched away at any moment, and by the most seemingly random events.

My heart cries out with sorrow for my friend Nicolle. Her boyfriend Brock was just given a few weeks to live after a hard fight with brain cancer, over the course of which he couldn't recall her name at times. I can't even imagine that. Her strength and faith are a testimony to God's strength and faithfulness.


The fact that I cry harder for other people than for myself, it makes me wonder if I am going to be a better or worse social worker. I tend to become more upset over things that are out of human control, because they just seem so arbitrary and without greater meaning. Social problems, I understand that they are difficult to deal with. But those can be fixed. Terminal cancer... I can't fix that. And so I just cry for the loss of a love, a son, a brother... In the death of a young person, I always think about the mother, and how it would feel to have to say goodbye to your child.

So I'm praying for strength for Nicolle and for Brock's family, his mother in particular, as they prepare themselves. God, only you could be a comfort for them in this.

Alison: is getting poured on.

"When it rains, it pours."

Oh man, I'm just exhausted from getting repeatedly shafted. And then when life goes crazy, I get angry. People get in my way, let me down, leave me out, and I get pissed.

I'm just tired of being angry lately. I can't get my group members for vital-to-my-grade group projects to cooperate. They're sick, their kids are sick, it's a mess, they can't make school a priority like it is for me right now. I need these grades to be good. Because I need them to graduate, and be a social worker, and have a fulfilling career. Basically, by missing class, and not doing work, they're screwing with my future.

So you can see why I've been mad lately.


Oh, but it gets better. My jeep went all to hell last night, and then all to Schram Chrysler/Jeep this morning via tow truck. Never done that before, as Kilroy has always been such a good jeep. Also, they don't have an opening to work on him until Monday.

Awesome, right?


So, plan of action. Breathe. Refrain from hurting others, via words or sharp objects.

Argh!

Hmm, how to start.

I take pictures.
I sometimes luck into a good shot, by taking a large number of pictures.
I, like most people, like getting credit for doing something good.

So when people take that away from me by taking the pictures that I have made available for their viewing, and put those on their own sites... I feel deeply betrayed.

I know they only mean to show their friends something cool, or display pictures of themselves looking good, or at a cool event...

But something in me just flares up when it happens. I described it to a friend as a "burning firey 'I will follow you and punch you until you give me credit' kind of hate." Very big issue for me.


Let me put it this way. The picture is mine, don't steal it. How easy that is to understand!

*grumble*

Alison: gets this feeling that the best is yet to come.

I don't know, I just have this idea in my head that God is saying "Stick around, you ain't seen nothing yet."

And believe me, I've seen cool things. There's just this amazing sort of build-up going on in Manhattan, and I know I'm not the only one feeling it.

Alison: feels a sense of belonging.

I had the most wonderful talk with some dear friends yesterday. Basically, I have been struggling with a feeling of complete detachment from my surroundings. Not a new feeling for me, really. One that has followed me from childhood, actually.

Okay, to start with... I've been talking lately with some people about the idea that the devil feeds lies into your life all along, and then various situations enforce those lies, and in your head you say "See? I really am __________." Insert whatever lie you have believed about yourself.

Then there are the seed moments, stupid little snippets of life that no one else would notice, but ones that rocked you to your core. Hurtful things said, hurtful things done, that help you to define yourself as something.

I define myself as not belonging. Yes, people might be friends with me, but I very rarely feel like I fit in with them. Even with some of my closest friends, I will sometimes look up and think "Who are these people, and why do they want to be close to me?" Because that's how thoroughly deceived I am. I truly intimately believe that I do not fit in, and will never fit in. I'm too weird, or too quirky, or say dumb things, or know too much, or don't know the things everyone else knows, or am not pretty enough.

I can trace all this back to Second Grade. The all school skating parties at the local skate rink were the biggest deal ever, especially who had skated at the couples skate. It was huge for us back then. For some reason, I had missed the latest skating party, so I was way out of the loop. That day at lunch, I sat down at the girl's table. One of the girls had kind of an item going with a boy one grade above us, and so I turned to her really excitedly, and asked who had skated together at the couples skate. She turned to me and gave me such a scathing look, and with a bitch tone in her voice, said "Why would YOU want to know?"

The message that little 7-year-old Alison got from that was "It doesn't matter that you're here, you just don't belong." And I believed it.



So the struggle now is to redefine myself as someone beyond that lie.

Something Heavenly

I know that most Christian rock music sounds alike, and this is no different, but sometimes it's good to hear.

Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) by Sanctus Real.

It's time for healing, time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything, I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZayut9i45M

Bump

This is a post to let you know that I'm alive.

I've started writing blog posts so many times over the last 3 weeks, and haven't finished one. Haven't been happy with them. Failed topics: Love, How odd I am, The Future. I'll probably write more about those some other time, I've got thoughts on them all.

Here is your pseudo-philosophical thought for the night:

All of the rest of your life is a near-death experience.

Fuck.

You know what irritates me the most right at this very moment? People asking me, "So what is the plan now?" I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. It has been, eh, 25 hours now that I was told that I was no longer employed, so of course I have everything worked out already. But thanks for the suggestions on places that I should apply, I really want to hear your input right now. While you're at it, do you want to tell me your opinions on everything else in my life? That would be great. Thanks.

Keep your suggestions to yourself, and I won't have to use bad words. Deal?



Plans as of now... None. I've got nothing. Absolute blank on what I should do job wise. And right now I don't want to be thinking of a plan. Just give me a few days to breathe, and we'll take it from there. If I want advice and suggestions:

I. WILL. ASK. FOR. THEM.

"We've decided to let you go."

So... Life has changed.

Yesterday morning, my boss called and said that she wanted to meet with me before I started working yesterday evening. Fair enough. But then people asked me how things had been going at work, and that started me on being paranoid. So I called her back, asked what it was about. She said it was about the fact that I had wanted to talk to her about working less hours. Again, fair enough. So I show up to work an hour early to meet with my international buddy and have dinner, and one of the girls there looks at me weird and says, "Are you working tonight? I thought Becca said she was taking your shift?" Uh... Not that I knew of. So, I popped in to the office to ask my boss about it. She's just covering the start of my shift in case our talk runs long. Suspicious, but still believable. After dinner, I stop in to the office to chat with the boss. Well, apparently, I wasn't picking up on barista-ing as quickly as they would have liked. And when I was stressed out a few weeks back, and mentioned that I'd like to work fewer hours, and perhaps not the Saturday night close, that apparently sealed my fate. See, she had hired someone to work 25-30 hours, and to fill that Saturday shift. Which would have been nice to know. And apparently the proper response to struggling at work is to ask for more work so I have more experience to get better. She said I'm a very nice girl, who is good with customers, and that with time she thinks that I could have gotten up to speed. But there is the level they thought I would be at by now, and then there is the level where I am.

So, I am currently unemployed. I honestly feel like I failed, but also that I wasn't given the chance to succeed. So... doubly screwed. I would have appreciated knowing the fact that there were specific reasons I was hired, things I had to fulfill. I was under the impression I was hired for who I was, not when I could work. Granted, they expressed that speed was a big deal for them from the start, but I felt I was just getting the hang of it, which is why this is so out of the blue. I feel like the point right after a break up when you think just how much you passed up just to be in that relationship. And now I am just irritated.


This job felt like such a God-send, such a way to really get connected to the community. I don't know what I'll do with the rest of my summer. Maybe look for another job, although I'm a bit discouraged as of now... And the job hunt was difficult even at the beginning of the summer, I don't know how well I'll fare halfway done already. Now I've got more time to focus on other things, and less to stress about. Which is nice. And the fact that it really was just a summer job, not a career. I'll be fine, I'm just not cut out for a highspeed coffeshop career.

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!

So, every time I come home, I end up talking with mom about all these theories she has about politics and the economy, based upon the wackiness in Washington. Yeah, it's a bit scary, because life-as-we-know-it is pretty darn good. If life could continue that way, awesome.

But there is this small part of me, the part that is just AMPED for the apocalypse, that would love to see the world just get turned upside down. I just want to see if I could survive in a dictatorship, if that is in fact where we are headed. I'd love to see how people would handle it. Would there be uprisings? How would morals and social norms change in the face of control?

I think perhaps that the world is just too big, and too small at the same time. Since we are so connected, we all get affected by, and involved in, things that would not have even been a part of our knowledge prior to radio, internet, long distance travel, etc. What if suddenly there was no power what-so-ever. Anywhere on the planet. Think of how life would change. We would have to divide out into little tribes and forage for our survival. Would we make it? I don't know! Chances are millions upon millions would die in the process. Modern medicine would be shot to heck too, so lots of people that live now would not live in a world without power. I don't think that the world-as-we-know-it is the natural state of being in the slightest. Nothing about the way we live is anything like the way life has been in the past. It's a bell curve. Societies rise and fall; up towards order, down towards chaos. Everything tends towards entropy, get on board or get out of the way. Change has always been, and will always be, the way things go. I don't like change, because I can't predict what will happen. But if change is going to happen regardless of my approval, I might as well step up and go with it. Just to see if I can.

Me, a name I call myself

We talked about this in the girl's meeting about 2 weeks ago, the meaning of our names and how that applies to us and who we are. Most cultures put more thought into the meaning behind names, whereas american culture tends to just go with what fits with the last name and sounds cool.

But my name, Alison, apparently means "Noble" or "Of Noble Birth." Lately this has been a concept on my mind a lot, because of a sermon I heard last Sunday. He was talking about how most Christians approach their faith as a list of things we can't do and don't do and won't do and list after list of negative things. The viewpoint that he suggested we adopt was one of holy identity. We are the royal daughters and sons of the RULER OF THE UNIVERSE. This endows us with... an inheritance, a place of belonging, an identity beyond our given earthly status. So our behavior should not be based upon a structure of dos and don'ts, but rather we should look at who we are, and what behavior is befitting of such a royal personage.

I have definitely seen this get out of control, people thinking that this means that they are entitled to act superior and call themselves "GoDs LiTtLe PrInCeSs" or something else mind-bogglingly self-centered. The biggest thing that I draw from this is that the title? It has nothing to do with anything I have done. At all.

Another thing that I draw from the meaning of my name is the concept of responsibility. The phrase "Noblesse Oblige" comes to mind when I think of the word noble. At it's core, that means "With power comes responsibility." I have things at my disposal that others don't, so I should use those accordingly.


...the end. For now.

List of things that are beautiful to my soul

Alternately entitled "List of things that make me smile on the inside"

-singing loudly in the car
-loud music in general (especially concerts when your heartbeat aligns with the bass)
-books/websites that make me chuckle
-most potted plants
-vivid colors
-seeing grass ripple like waves on a windy day
-clean mirrors
-colored glass
-the look on a groom's face as the love of his life walks down the aisle towards him
-dogs
-lamps
-meaningful conversations
-crunchy leaves
-babies of any kind: animal, human, plant
-ticklish people
-staying up late finishing books
-my family
-driving fast at night with the windows open and feeling the cool breeze
-cheap and tacky sunglasses
-dancing like a fool with friends
-planning dorky futures with my friends when we talk about boys
-running into someone I love unexpectedly
-getting texts or facebook messages
-the color of sun shining through leaves
-tacky things
-making a reference to something obscure and having someone else totally get it


Many other things go on this list as well. In fact, lots of things make me happy.

I just felt that after a list of everything that was/is stressing me out, listing something more positive sounded like fun.

Update on Life

So lately I have been preoccupied with the concept of "growing up". Half of me wants to just ignore money and bills and the future worries and responsibility and things like insurance and W2 forms and politics and relationships... and just chill for another year. I've always been a worrier, but lately it has gotten a bit extreme. I think a lot about the future, how young and unprepared I am, and how quickly the two are colliding. Scary scary scary.

I'm a senior IN COLLEGE now, and that freaks me out. Even living in an apartment and getting grown up things like off brand windex and real food. That scares me. I'm not ready for this. Lately I have been realizing how much work my parents put into this house I am currently sitting in. How much money goes into getting a residence up and running and even more in keeping that way. Life is so freaking expensive, and I have been incredibly blessed in the fact that I've never really had to think much about money. Granted, if I needed it, I could turn to my parents now, and everything would be taken care of. I just want to see if I can do this, you know? Trial run of being an adult. And I'm not even paying for everything, there are things that I don't even think about that they are paying for. Thank the Lord for parents.

Probably I have too much time to think these days, which makes me think stressful thoughts. When a cartoon character gets hit on the head with something, they get little birdies fluttering around their heads. I get little worries fluttering around my head during down time. Things I'm not doing right at work, when I need to work next, worrying about if my shifts will get covered when I need them to, hoping they will but the dates are creeping up and no one has signed up, when bills need to be paid, need to talk to the other roomie about paying me for electric bill and internet bill, how to talk to her about that, what to eat, how I look, how messy my room is, that bathroom really needs to get cleaned, so does the kitchen, family in town on the 18th, they can't see that mess, hanging out with people, BOYS, my online class that my teacher is being really difficult and he has no idea what to do about this online deal because he is old, need to figure out online stuff for next month can't keep paying the previous girl on the account, maybe cox will cut me a deal as a new account, maybe I should cancel my netflix account I don't really use it that much anymore maybe cut back to 1 DVD at a time...

I deal with this by trying to plan for everything. Looking ahead, pessimistically planning for the worst as well as the best. Thinking of alternative courses of action in case something doesn't work. Keeping a first aid kit in my purse at all times. Because I just know that the time I don't have it, I'll need it.



Anyways, this post makes me sound like a crazy person. Welcome to the insanity.

A Hearty Dose of Self Congratulation

I, Alison, have a job for this summer! Yay! I was just stressing about that, nothing was working out. I kept thinking "this is just temporary, everything works out in the end", but I didn't really believe it, I figured that I was just going to keep getting shut down by businesses not needing me.

But, I will be working at Radina's Coffee Shop. Awesome!


Also, my photography was nominated, and is now featured on a website.

Double bingo.

A Visit to Truman

So, the weekend before Spring Break, Megan urged me to visit her at Truman sometime. "Well, I think I'm free the weekend of the 4th..." Thus, this past weekend.

Thursday, April 2nd:
-Bailed on Manhattan, headed for KC
-Chilled out with the family

Friday, April 3rd:
-Got up, got packed up, got on the road
-Couldn't get on I-35 N from KC, too much construction
-GPS and I had a little argument, so I headed towards St. Louis, because that's the way I know
-Headed north at Concordia, via Highway 11, very hilly and country-ish
-Got to Kirksville, MO around 4
-Ironing party in Megan's dorm room with her Tae Kwon Do buddies, they needed crisp uniforms for the belt test the next day
-Dinner with the TKD kids in Ryle (her dorm) dining hall
-The cell phone incident (Ryan, one of the TKD kids, left his phone in her room, we locked him out, battle ensued between girls and guys. Girls defending the phone, guys trying to break in to get it.)
-Musical Night, part 1: Chicago and The Mask of Zorro (After watching Chicago, we all needed more Catherine Zeta-Jones)
-Stayed up talking with Megan about boys, finally got to sleep around 5

Saturday, April 4th:
-Got up around 10:30, got ready
-Had lunch in Ryle hall dining area
-Headed off to the Rec for the Belt Test
-Ran into one of my highschool classmates in the Rec, that was interesting, hadn't seen her since graduation or so
-Watched people go through forms (patterns of movements and kicks), and break boards, also got to see people go head to head in sparring, Megan was awesome
-Went on a campus tour with Megan, Truman is so darn cute!
-Short nap
-Dinner in Ryle
-Headed over to Ryan's apartment for Musical night part 2, watched Little Shop of Horrors
-Made a blanket fort
-Watched RENT, and Sound of Music
-We all ended up crashing there for the night around 5 in the morning

Sunday, April 5th:
-Woke up around 10:30
-Went back to Megan's dorm and got all packed up
-Had lunch and then hit the road
-Weather was crappy, roads were hilly
-Got home around 4:30
-Celebrated my little sister's birthday
-Finally headed towards KSU around 8:30

I am exhausted from such a packed weekend, but it was a blast and a half.

Selfish and Self-Centered

I deal with jealousy, I know it, it's not an easy fix. Comparing myself to others, comparing my self to who I would like to be, it's getting old. I'm so tired of not feeling good enough, and to being stressed out and thinking unkind thoughts just because someone else has what I don't.

I am tired of this.

I should be content with who I am, and not worry about what others think of me, or who they might be comparing me to. I'm so damn tired of having the little doubts that label me as lesser, no good, not worth it. I should be flattered when someone mimics something I do, not worry that they'll steal it and make it their own. I guess I have a fear of that, having attention taken from me, because it's all about me Me ME.

Namely, I need to get over myself. This life = Not about me. Not about what I think or what you think of me.



Why can't I convince myself of that?

Plans for This Summer

None as of yet.

I really have no idea what is going on this summer. I keep praying about it, that somehow God would show me what the heck I should be doing this summer. I know I will either be in Manhattan or in KC, but doing what? I don't know. Living where? No idea. Apparently God only knows all this.

Stay tuned for further notice as to how things pan out for this summer.

Time flies when you have no idea where it goes

So, I woke up with this feeling that I never have any time. But then, thinking about it further, I have absolutely no idea where all this time goes. I mean, I can name a few pastimes, but nothing that would be taking up a considerable chunk. Weird.

My theory about time going faster as you get older has to do with lifetime. Like, to a 5 year old, a year is 1/5th of their lifetime. But to me, a year is almost 1/21st of my entire life. So days take up less and less time, because while they aren't fewer hours, they ARE less and less time to you.

Kinda depressing, actually. Life, just ticking away. And what am I doing with it? No fricking clue, (see paragraph 1).

I should probably figure that out.

When we last left our intrepid hero:

She was babbling about some sort of scarf drivel.

Today, we discuss Spring Break. I, along with my favored traveling companion, one Christie Anne, voyaged towards the land of hipsters and culture, and my older sister Janna. CHICAGO! At first the plan was to take the train, but those suckers are expensive! So, we drove. Or rather, Christie drove.

Day 1: (Wednesday, March 18th)
-left my house around 11
-drove and drove and drove and drove for 8 hours, watched Shrek 2 and Friends on my laptop
-got to the apartment around 7
-bought food at Trader Joe's to last the week as omnivores in vegan surroundings
-chilled out and facebook stalked Janna's friends

Day 2: (Thursday, March 19th)
-hit up IKEA in the morning, awesome, bought my obligatory IKEA visit lamp which was a set of two and they are cool, check out those in my room sometime soon...
-made sandwiches for lunch
-figured out how the heck to get to the Shedd Aquarium on public transport
-thought it closed at 5, got there at 4:30 and almost didn't get tickets, but we were then informed that they had Spring Break hours, and were open until 6!
-got tickets
-toured the aquarium, saw cool fish, took lots of pictures
-found out that the Chicago Art Institute Museum has free Thursday nights, so we went and browsed in preparation for paid visit the next day
-met up with Josh, Janna's friend, went to Chipotle for dinner
-watched Shaun of the Dead at the apartment

Day 3: (Friday, March 20th)
-got to the Chicago Art Institute Museum again, toured around for a few hours
-had Panda Express for lunch
-visited the bean and took obligatory bean pictures
-chilled out at the apartment and took much needed naps
-went to an art opening for Art Institute undergrad work, had Las Pasaditas for dinner with some more of Janna's friends, Dan, Dennie, and Andy
-hung out with Dan at the apartment

Day 4: (Saturday, March 21st)
-woke up, packed up, left around 1
-GPS wanted us to go to St. Louis, but we wanted to go through Des Moines again, tricked GPS into taking us there
-I read most of the trip, Christie drove, then we watched Chicken Run and The Wedding Planner (<-bad movie)
-got home right at 10


So, that was my break. Lots of driving, lots of feeling like I wasn't cool enough to be there, lots of pictures, and a fair amount of loving that city.

THE GREATEST BLOG POST OF ALL TIME ZOMG

Scarves. They make me feel like I need to pull it up over my nose and walk around looking like a colorful bandit.

I really feel like I should have more to say, but I really don't. Today was cold, and I really REALLY would like it to be summer now. But first I need a job. Which reminds me, I need to get that application filled out and turned in.

Man I hope I have time for a nap tomorrow.

A Rant About Boys

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! ARGH.

Boys.

Meh.

Alison Discusses The Universe

So, I had this random thought while walking around on campus today. You know what is between us and deep space? Tiny tiny particles. There are so many people that walk around, thinking that they're all that, and all their thoughts revolve around themselves... But there is a massive amount of this school, this city, this state, this country, this world, this solar system, this galaxy, this whole big universe --- and it has nothing to do with any one person. It would progress the same way, with me or without me. And these are the things I think about. Not in a depressing way, but in almost a comforting way. Life goes on.

I don't know the verse, but God was talking about how much he cares for us, and how not even the smallest sparrow can fall without him noticing... I don't have any idea how he does it. I've been watching this show called Meerkat Manor, and seeing just how complex a single species on Earth is... He made so many, and he cares for us most of all. Just considering the wide spectrum of the universe, there is so much in it to take joy in, and he chose humanity. I think my most favorite fact about the Sun is that when the hydrogen atoms bump together, they HUM. The sun is humming at all times, and scientists can pick up the sound. Just the littlest details like that just make me happy, because that can't be chance.

Okay that's it for now.

5:30 AM musings

I don't know if this is the norm, but I find that life just gets more interesting as I get older. I think that in the past, I would have guessed that eventually things would just get to be boring, you know, with time. But the more I live, the more interesting it gets. Even the stuff I've had around me my whole life.

I think having an almost childlike amazement about life is the way to go. That way, everything is always the coolest thing ever. Every day has the potential to be the best day of your life, and honestly? I live enough in the moment and with enough excitement, that quite often, it is the best day of my life. And they just keep coming. So if I get all excited about a series of totally dumb things, and say "Best. Day. Ever." It's probably only 1/4 joking.

Things that make it difficult to be (happily) single:

Bachelorette parties
February/Valentine's Day
Cute couples
Cute babies
People getting engaged
People sending out wedding invites
The weddings themselves
Chick flicks
Hearing about anything romantic that someone has done for someone else
Getting dressed up
Having a spare evening
Listening to any song containing a romantic sentiment
Talking about boys
Having a bad day and having no one to tell about it
Having a good day and having no one to tell about it


Most of the time, I am content with being single. But sometimes, it would be nice to have someone.


(I went to a bachelorette party tonight, it was so much fun, but also a bit lonely. I'm pretty sure I was the only single girl there...)

Figured it was time for a "big girl" blog

Don't get me wrong, xanga has been the repository of my musings, rants, informative blurbs, etc for many years, and has served it's purpose quite well. But, if you tell someone you use xanga, they look at you funny. And you can't very well link someone to xanga to read your blog, especially since I have stuff on there from... gosh, middle school? Probably just early high school.

Anyways, that isn't me anymore, and xanga is fairly limited in what you can and can't do, structure wise.

So, I have graduated to this. Yay me!