Hold on.

To me, the phrase "Hold on" means to either "wait" or to grab ahold of something because things are going to get rough.

I don't know which has been happening for me more. I'm waiting for the future to arrive. I'm waiting for things to even out. And I'm tying down my safety rope like a sailor in a storm and praying that it holds.

I guess that's fairly cryptic, allow me to explain some.

Yesterday, I took a leap of faith, hopefully for the right reasons. I have been a lousy friend to someone, and I prayed and prayed about how to fix that. I can't be the type of friend they want to be. And, hard as it was, I had to give that one up to God. The message that I got while praying yesterday morning was "Get out of the way, you're blocking the light." I had always been of the mindset that if God was going to work in this person's life, it was going to be me, because I was already there. But it seems that I was taking on God's job, trying to save them myself. Not my job, I need to back out, and give him the room to work. And have faith that he will, even if I am not the one doing it. And for me, that is difficult. But, it's a lesson I'll have to get good at, if I'm going to be a social worker.

Next up, waiting for the future to arrive. I don't know, I stress out alot about where I will be this summer, next year, in 5 years. By the grace of God, I will be doing social work. But, I guess that could change, which is something I don't often consider.



Anyways. I am off to try to figure out where I am living next year. Then homework, and hopefully getting more sleep. Being just a little bit sick (like I have been the past few days) is not fun.

I don't watch sad movies. Other people like them, because "sometimes you just need to cry." I don't get that at all. Life is sad enough on it's own, I watch movies and read books for the happily ever after. Real life gets so few happily ever afters, because our lives are so fragile. Our tenuous grasp on life, it can be snatched away at any moment, and by the most seemingly random events.

My heart cries out with sorrow for my friend Nicolle. Her boyfriend Brock was just given a few weeks to live after a hard fight with brain cancer, over the course of which he couldn't recall her name at times. I can't even imagine that. Her strength and faith are a testimony to God's strength and faithfulness.


The fact that I cry harder for other people than for myself, it makes me wonder if I am going to be a better or worse social worker. I tend to become more upset over things that are out of human control, because they just seem so arbitrary and without greater meaning. Social problems, I understand that they are difficult to deal with. But those can be fixed. Terminal cancer... I can't fix that. And so I just cry for the loss of a love, a son, a brother... In the death of a young person, I always think about the mother, and how it would feel to have to say goodbye to your child.

So I'm praying for strength for Nicolle and for Brock's family, his mother in particular, as they prepare themselves. God, only you could be a comfort for them in this.

Alison: is getting poured on.

"When it rains, it pours."

Oh man, I'm just exhausted from getting repeatedly shafted. And then when life goes crazy, I get angry. People get in my way, let me down, leave me out, and I get pissed.

I'm just tired of being angry lately. I can't get my group members for vital-to-my-grade group projects to cooperate. They're sick, their kids are sick, it's a mess, they can't make school a priority like it is for me right now. I need these grades to be good. Because I need them to graduate, and be a social worker, and have a fulfilling career. Basically, by missing class, and not doing work, they're screwing with my future.

So you can see why I've been mad lately.


Oh, but it gets better. My jeep went all to hell last night, and then all to Schram Chrysler/Jeep this morning via tow truck. Never done that before, as Kilroy has always been such a good jeep. Also, they don't have an opening to work on him until Monday.

Awesome, right?


So, plan of action. Breathe. Refrain from hurting others, via words or sharp objects.

Argh!

Hmm, how to start.

I take pictures.
I sometimes luck into a good shot, by taking a large number of pictures.
I, like most people, like getting credit for doing something good.

So when people take that away from me by taking the pictures that I have made available for their viewing, and put those on their own sites... I feel deeply betrayed.

I know they only mean to show their friends something cool, or display pictures of themselves looking good, or at a cool event...

But something in me just flares up when it happens. I described it to a friend as a "burning firey 'I will follow you and punch you until you give me credit' kind of hate." Very big issue for me.


Let me put it this way. The picture is mine, don't steal it. How easy that is to understand!

*grumble*

Alison: gets this feeling that the best is yet to come.

I don't know, I just have this idea in my head that God is saying "Stick around, you ain't seen nothing yet."

And believe me, I've seen cool things. There's just this amazing sort of build-up going on in Manhattan, and I know I'm not the only one feeling it.

Alison: feels a sense of belonging.

I had the most wonderful talk with some dear friends yesterday. Basically, I have been struggling with a feeling of complete detachment from my surroundings. Not a new feeling for me, really. One that has followed me from childhood, actually.

Okay, to start with... I've been talking lately with some people about the idea that the devil feeds lies into your life all along, and then various situations enforce those lies, and in your head you say "See? I really am __________." Insert whatever lie you have believed about yourself.

Then there are the seed moments, stupid little snippets of life that no one else would notice, but ones that rocked you to your core. Hurtful things said, hurtful things done, that help you to define yourself as something.

I define myself as not belonging. Yes, people might be friends with me, but I very rarely feel like I fit in with them. Even with some of my closest friends, I will sometimes look up and think "Who are these people, and why do they want to be close to me?" Because that's how thoroughly deceived I am. I truly intimately believe that I do not fit in, and will never fit in. I'm too weird, or too quirky, or say dumb things, or know too much, or don't know the things everyone else knows, or am not pretty enough.

I can trace all this back to Second Grade. The all school skating parties at the local skate rink were the biggest deal ever, especially who had skated at the couples skate. It was huge for us back then. For some reason, I had missed the latest skating party, so I was way out of the loop. That day at lunch, I sat down at the girl's table. One of the girls had kind of an item going with a boy one grade above us, and so I turned to her really excitedly, and asked who had skated together at the couples skate. She turned to me and gave me such a scathing look, and with a bitch tone in her voice, said "Why would YOU want to know?"

The message that little 7-year-old Alison got from that was "It doesn't matter that you're here, you just don't belong." And I believed it.



So the struggle now is to redefine myself as someone beyond that lie.

Something Heavenly

I know that most Christian rock music sounds alike, and this is no different, but sometimes it's good to hear.

Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) by Sanctus Real.

It's time for healing, time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything, I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZayut9i45M